coco's journal

So I just finished a book. Shiver, by Maggie Shiefvater. And it, as well as a million other things, filled me with that sort of longing feeling that I can't fill with anything. I know precisely what it is I want, but I was hoping distractions would work - like schoolwork, for instance, since I have loads and loads of things that I need to work on for it. A week and two days left of school before Christmas vacation, and I have two projects due before and one a little after we get back.

But that's not the point.

Anyways. I actually wrote in this journal sort of deal that I got - typically, I do write there, but only when it's hard to put things into words and I'm feeling particularly low. The computer isn't always accessible, either. Feh. It makes me wonder if such a thing as that intense love can possibly exist; let me just say, I haven't seen it - reciprocated on both sides - ever.

Heh. A friend put forth the idea that I have a second personality of the serial killer variety. All because I said that I would throw my child into the pool if they disobeyed. I wasn't serious - cripes. But perhaps because I also said that I would smother her until she died if she threw my art project across the room. xD Perhaps that was justifiable. But, again, I wasn't serious! And the looks I was getting by the other people...Yeesh.

But I don't particularly care about that. Sure, I say things that are eyebrow-raising-worthy, but they usually mean very little. I have yet to be made mad enough that I punch someone. Although I did one time - 'twas quite fun and quite pleasing for me, let me just say. Right now, I certainly feel like punching someone...But that's a really hard thing to accomplish when you're wanting to do it to someone over the interwebs.

Why are stupid people allowed to live? Better yet, why are they allowed to breed? Cripes. Perhaps that is a harsh question to pose or even think, but I can't help it. Especially when people are intent upon being stupid, acting stupid, and not wrapping their head around any concept other than what they want to do. WHY ARE STUPID PEOPLE ALLOWED TO LIIIIIIIVE?

That's out of my system now. Mostly.

Yep. It does.

You think hey, maybe things won't be so bad when you get home with your annoying, selfish, conceited, asshole little brother. But you're dead wrong. Always. All these little annoying things that he does add up into something big. And y'know what the worst part is? You can't hit him. And he can get away with everything. Always. All the time. Guaranteed.

Too many days - 230 - left until I can get out of my house and away from my brother and stepfather. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder - whoever 'they' are - and maybe that's true. Odds are good that it is very NOT true in this case. I can't wait to move into that dorm with three other complete strangers, just so I can get away from my family. Makes me wonder if I'm a bad person, but also makes me wonder if this is how a family should be. An alcoholic stepfather who lies all the time about absolutely everything, a younger brother that isn't all that young who thinks he can get away with everything because my mother lets him get away with it, and a mother who doesn't change a goddamn thing.

Hmm.

Perhaps every teenager deals with this crap. I'm not really sure.

I haven't been successful with finding a meaning for getting up in the morning. Every day I wonder why it's worth it. I go to school, do a bunch of things I don't care about, come home to deal with the aforementioned people, sleep, and then start it all over again. A seemingly endless cycle that doesn't look like it can ever be broken.

Tell me - what's the point?

Or not really. I know I certainly don't.

How does back pain just randomly start? How do you wake up in the morning perfectly fine, and then, two hours later, want to cry because your back decided to hate you? O.o Fair question. One I was trying to figure out. Everything was all fine and dandy until the end of first period, and then it was quite unpleasant. Mum scheduled a doctor's appointment, and I was told it was a pulled muscle. Really? Really? How does that happen?

I dunno, either. Just sittin' there, minding my own business and then bam.

Anyways...I got a poster project due the day after our day off. As in, we had school today, don't have it tomorrow, and then the next day have a poster due. It's madness, and maddening. Wth to the nth degree. Who does that? a;dfjadlfjadl;f;jada.

That was a question I had to face today. And, let me say, I'm excited. A new beginning and I'm out from under my parents' noses. Really, it couldn't get any better. I'll be headed to PTI and living in on-campus housing - it has all the crap I could need, including internet access just about anywhere, and it has me wondering if July will come sooner. Three weeks after my birthday, the semester starts. I have no idea when I move in, however. I suppose I don't care - just the knowledge that I will be is comforting. Being home drives me nuts more often than it doesn't, primarily because of my selfish younger brother and stepdad. My mom says men are selfish in general - if this is the case, then I shall never marry. I have no patience for that crap anymore.

The housing there is really nice - one bedroom is bigger than the rest. Hopefully, that's the one I get, but I'm not counting on it. They have off-campus housing - we only were able to see one of them today - and the apartments were disgusting. It doesn't help that they had one that smokers lived in; it was the worst smell. And it was so dark...the windows were so small and...Blech. I'm excited to go in general.

Y'know, after reading about other people's lives and how wonderful and happy and blahblahmushymushyblahblah, I realized something. I miss being in a relationship that actually doesn't suck. Granted, I had maybe one of those because the others were assholes, but that's besides the point. I see all my friends with their little boytoys, and it makes me sad inside. I fail. Epically. And I don't even think that's how you spell the word. But it doesn't matter. I miss that whole feeling of being important to someone.

Okay, new topic time. Spewing emotions for the month is quite done, thank you.

Anyways...Tomorrow, I have a housing day visit with PTI. I haven't been accepted there yet, but if I'm not, I'll cry. Or something. They've already got me all set for my dorm and everything, and if I don't get accepted...I don't even want to think about it. My grades right now are not good enough to impress, a source of stress because, usually, they are quite good.

Speaking of that, everything seems to be falling down around my ears. Things at home could always be better, my little brother is a selfish asshole, my classes aren't going well, I'm stressing about school all the time, and I find myself staying in a lot more than is good for a teenager. It's just easier. Like, I don't want to do anything, because it's easier not to have to deal with life in general. Hopefully this is just some sort of phase deal, because all this is driving me nuts.

The only bright side is that, recently, I completed my senior project. The downside is that the grade I received was not what I had worked for. So there is no bright side. Big surprise.

Wow.

It's been so...long since I posted here. And a lot has happened since the day before my birthday. Looking back, I just realized that I posted on 7/6 - my birthday's 7/7. Y'know, I've always thought that that is terribly convenient  for someone to remember. "oh, seventh day, seventh month, easy peasy". But no, not really. Are people just dumb, then? It's funny how my IRL friends didn't remember a thing; I didn't get one birthday wish or one happy birthday from any one of my friends. Meanwhile, people who I've only known from the online world were pouncing all over that opportunity.

I should think that there's something wrong with that.

But there's something more, too. I'm sick of the people I know, and I'm sick of being shafted. Why be friends if it's only for convenience? Why, indeed.

Anyways...I've been looking at scholarships and various other whats-its for the past few hours. My head hurts from it, my contacts are getting a little blurry, and I have to pee. I think I'll do that when I'm all said and done with this, though.

It's finally my senior year, and the only thing I can think of is June 9, 2010. Because d'you know what that is? The day that I graduate.

'Audrey Kitching Icons'

...Wow. You'd think that it'd be something more interesting, wouldn't you? Ho hum. Not really, and that's kinda disappointing.

....while everyone is workin', I'd rather be a jerk and lay around!

Ten points to Gryffindor!

Just kidding. You get a cookie if you get the reference. Hint? It's from a song. And it's very applicable to me, though I did a lot of work this weekend for the fourth of July. Almost everyone from my stepdad's side of the family came over to my grandparent's cottage, and we had to clean and make food and work on the deck so we didn't all fall through thirty feet to the ground...Yeah, I wish I was being sarcastic, but I'm really not. It was a lot of work, and you won't believe how happy I am that I'm done with it.

Well, until next year, if my mother decides to be ambitious again. God, I hope not.

But other than that, things are going to be pretty quiet for the rest of the summer. I only have about a million things to do regarding a stupid 'Senior Project' for my high school, and need to start thinking more seriously about colleges. It's a bit scary. But just a bit. I'm actually really looking forward to it now, but I'm sure that, at the end of my senior year next June, I'll be missing everything about grade school.

Holy crap.

I freaking hate ironic things. Especially this partulcar ironic thing.

An ex of mine drug me through hell and back simply because he could back when we were dating. Somehow, we managed to be friends and still are right now. However, he's gay now and all that other stuff - or so he says, I don't ask questions about it - and he's just broken off a relationship with the 'love of his life'.

Ironic thing is that he's telling me all this crap that he's feeling and part of me wants to laugh at him and be cruel, another part of me wants to say "Sucks, dunnit?" with purposeful insinuation, and another part of me wants to say "I don't particularly care" and go on with my life. Thing is, I know that it's all mean and wrong and not how a friend should treat another.

Maybe there's a reason most girls aren't friends with their exes. Fine line to walk, I suppose.

I suppose there's nothing to be confused about, in the grand scheme of things. After all, my stepdad has been a part of my life for what, ten years? And Dean was only there for three. Maybe two, but I'm not sure. How the heck would I know?

What the heck am I talking about? Good question. It's the whole adoption thing...I'm not sure why I'm iffy about it, but I am. And I can't very well say "No, I don't want you to adopt me." It would hurt his feelings, and despite the fact that we have rough patches almost every day, I don't want to do that. But I'm not sure I want to be 'Courtney West', either. Not just because the name sounds foreign on my tongue, either. I'm not sure what it is. Nine times out of ten, he does something to irk me, and Lord knows I've complained about it enough. So what's my problem?

Cripes. I dunno, either. I'm just not sure I want it to happen. I don't have any logical explanation behind it that I could give him, either, and he wants an answer in two days. What the eff should I say, or do? I wish someone could just tell me "Oh, hey, this is your answer, off you go." And I would have no problems with it. How stupid/cliche/idiotic is it that I don't want to make my own decisions now, and I'll be off to college this time next year? 

FMWAS.

Life as an American teenager is hard.

Much harder than our generation's parents seem to - or want to - realize. What's that, you say? Teenagers in Africa are mothering/fathering their siblings? Yes, they are. But that's why I said American. I'm spoiled rotten. That's how most American teenagers get to be.

So be warned.Both about that and the fact I can bea sarcastic asshole. What more do you want?

Refrain from bursting into song, courtesy of the Plain White Tee's. Oh, wait, it's T's.

Anyway, I bet a handful of you don't have a clue what I'm talking about. Hot damn.

Where was I at the beginning of my ramble? Hmm. Ah, reading back does really help; thank you, all my English teachers.

Life isn't fair.

Life is hard.

Life  isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Come to the dark side, we have cookies.

You have, undoubtedly, heard all this before. Maybe posting it as a Myspace or Facebook or whatever else status message. The point is is that all of those things are true - minus the cookies -a nd it doesn't really make you stop and think "Oh, hey, my life is superfantastic!"

And, if you think your life is superfantastic and you're not being a prick, then gtfo. Now.

Look it up if you don't know what it means. It's Chatspeak. There's your hint.

No run, kiddies! Run!

Anyways, there's nothing that can make you think life is consistently good - no, not even 'love' - especially if you're a teenager. There's school drama, friend drama, relationship drama, and family drama. No escape. 24/7. It's freaking lovely.

Parents don't seem to get any of it. They want you to talk to them, but you don't want to explain yourself and the entire backstory to them. They persist and you get pissed off and chaos ensues.

There are some people that have understanding parents.

There are some people that have loyal and true friends.

There are some people that have a great significant other.

Those of you that have any one of those, consider yourself lucky. Thank them for being there, and be there for them. Cherish them while they're there - they could be gone the next day.

I know a girl that lost her best firend over a guy. Her friend was insanely mad - jealous, angry, etc. - that the girl hadn't dropped him as a friend when they broke up.

The boy wasn't worth all the trouble and strife that would follow for the next few years.

I know a girl that lost her best firned - the same girl, actually - and found that she doesn't know how to fully open up to a person to let them know all her secrets. It's mesed her up in relationships, and her current friendships. She always holds back for fear of being crushed, setting herself up to be hurt all the time.

I know a girl that has a mom and a stepdad. Her stepdad drinks too much and is a mean drunk. He comes home from the bar and immediately complains about everything under the sun. Her mom and him get into it every night and she has the privelege of taking it all on, taking it all in, and taking the internal burden of making sure her mom or younger brother or two dogs don't get hurt.

I know a girl that's going to snap one day, reach out, and find that no one's there.

Well.

I didn't mean to get nearly so deep and whatever the hell else that was.

Was a point made? I don't know, I don't really give a damn, either.

This was mostly written for me, anyhow.

Meh. So I'm in a mood again - I feel like 'Stargirl' and her wagon of pebbles when it's entirely empty. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, use the Internet. It's a wonderful tool for people that are ignorant of some things. Or just stupid people in general. Oh yes, I'm in a mood. Usually I don't outright say things like that. [/rant] No, that wasn't a freaking rant - I just hate stupid people. And, lucky me, they surround me on a daily basis. Stupid people saying stupid things, acting stupid, BEING stupid in general. I've about had it with all that foolishness. Makes me fantasize about hijacking my parents car and driving to Montana or some other unimaginable place. I say unimaginable because I live in Pennsylvania. The other side of the freaking country. Then again, Montana wouldn't be far enough. Methinks I've about had it with Americans in general, what with our stinginess and overall idiocy.

Feh.

And what about the people that are stupid enough to do drugs and smoke and drink and other shit like that? How does that benefit you when you're older with a heck of a lot less brain cells than you had to start out with? Everyone I know, all of the sudden, knows everything there is to know about booze and drugs and sex and this and that and that and this. And, all of the sudden, they're all doing something or other. How did this happen and how did I get stuck with these people? Especially when they know for a fact I can't stand to talk about that crap and know I'd never do it.

I don't mean to be all akd;fjakfadmy'friends'suck and whatnot, 'cos that's just bitchy. BUT wtf do I do? I don't want to have anything to do with these sorts of people, and yet those sort of people are precisely whom I'm friends with. How did it freaking happen? 

AND ANOTHER THING. What is it with everyone all of the sudden being gay or bisexual? Do I have anything against it? No, absolutely not; one of my better friends is gay. I think. Anyways - it's like an overnight trend. I'm talking to a guy and BAM - they're like "hey, he's hot =O! <33333!!!111eleven!!!" It's irritating as hell because of the fact it's like a trend.

Cripes. I'm a bitter YOUNG harpy. Can't imagine what I'll be like when I'm forty.

Ahaha. How sad is it that I truly have no idea what purpose this entry is serving? It's not like I have people grappling to read this every time I post because I'm oh-so-important - I'm not and I know I'm not. That's fine with me, though, as a matter of fact. Quite fine indeed. But still, sometimes it would be pretty spiffy to see that such and such actually read a past post on a date and commented and...yeah, you get the idea. I'm not entirely sure what I'm saying in this little spiel, so I'll stop here and go onto something else.

So it's Easter today...Or was Easter yesterday, since it's the Monday after where I'm sitting. And, since I always congregate with family, conversations on just about anything under the sun were had. And, of course, school came up. As in colleges. As in I'm going to be applying to them very soon. As in, I have absolutely NO choices that are within my parents' approval, and I'm also fearful of being turned down. But that's absolutely normal, or so I assume. I'm not sure and I don't want to think on not being accepted anywhere. Maybe, if I'm not, I can pull a stint like on 'Accepted'...Even though that probably won't be necessary. It's not like I'm not a good student - I am. But not a whole heck of a lot of extracurriculars, and I have no freaking idea just how much attention it paid to those. Though I think that taking college classes this year will help a little...

Eeep. I'm worrying. I'm not even really sure what I want to major in. I'm thinking graphic design because I love it. But am I really as good as all the other people out there? Answer: nope, not close, I don't think. Sure, I do okay stuff most of the time, but it's not wow-worthy like half the stuff I see out there! It's a little worrying, but things always work out at some point or another in your lifetime...Just hopefully my things don't work out on my deathbed when I'm surrounded by my six cats that are hungry and looking at me for food.

Yes, I'm afraid of becoming an old cat lady, okay? But that's only because I'm a normal teenager that's a wee bit sick of being utterly single and surrounded by douchey guys. Seriously. But THAT is another ramble for another night.

Yay. I feel quite better for rambling on all of this. Thank goodness. <3

Ahaha. I suck at life xD

I've got a to do list that expands every day I don't do something because I'm doing something else. Making signatures is a nonexistent pasttime nowadays, 'cause I just keep getting farther and farther behind...And then resizing things I've made that are too big needs to happen and hasn't yet happened. Oh, and then editing a signature because the colors were a bit too bright is taking me six years. Not to mention the fact that I haven't really gone on a posting brigade on a site in awhile.

Yet I've found the time to create two new sites >.> My priorities need to be rechecked, methinks.

On the bright side, however, I'm in a pretty good mood =D Mostly. I have the house to myself for awhile until I have to go off to a soccer game - gawd, what a nightmare I'm predicting that to be >< - and I get to lounge around on a Sunday and do absolutely nothing of any use to anyone. Sounds like a brilliant plan to me =D

So I've discovered that I'm really not content with life itself. I'm usually not this unhappy wiith things even though I am a woman and they have a certain annual time where they feel negative towards everything and everyone. I'm just not happy, y'know? Not with anything. Sure, random moments are great, but they don't last. It's sort of that feeling of meaninglessness, and I absolutely hate it. I've been feeling it for ages, though, and it's like nothing's good enough to be getting up for, like, what's the point in anything? That's horribly bitter and perhaps philosophical, maybe even depressing, but it's how I feel and it's driving me nuts. I want something, anything, exciting to happen. Nothing. Nada.

I think maybe I'm depressed. I dunno, maybe I'm just being stupid. Or maybe I'm just being a teenager. I do things on autopilot because I feel obligated to, and even now that's starting to get old and I'm starting to do less of those obligations. Less of everything, really. I want to feel useful, but that's a bit hard for a high school student with continously screwed up grades to do. I don't meant my grades are bad - if my teachers would get things right, my grade's be damned good - but it's frustrating to have to keep nagging at them to fix it, to keep nagging at them that I missed about a week and I'm trying to make up my work and they keep adding to the pile without giving me the old stuff.

Argh. I feel like crying but that would be absolutely stupid. It solves nothing whatsoever. A useless emotion. Though I don't think bashing my head off of the keyboard is going to fix anything either, other than knock me unconscious. Sigh.

Life sucks. But I'm guessing a great majority of people already know about that little bit of pointless information. It sucks, and when it sucks, it's awful. Today simply proved my little theory that wasn't much of a theory to begin with. But if it's a theory, then it's not real. Today was very real.

I was dumb to have expected anything less, really =D Because if he'll do it to one person, he'll turn around and do it to another, y'know? Yes, I'm talking about stupid relationship issues. Why couldn't I have just stuck to my own advice and not date? I'm not saying not date ever, but at least not anyone in my school - y'know, the people I've grown up with. It's ridiculous, really. I was stupid and silly...But I'm getting the feeling I'm being a bit dramatic.

Anyways, so he and I decided to take a bit of a break from each other. Little did I know that he would crawl back to his ex-girlfriend and zipbamboom. They're together and in their own little la la world. Ha! As if. He makes snide comments behind her back and went so far as to say that he hopes she gets hit by a bus. Now, I'm certainly not sticking up for her, god knows I'd like her to get hit by a bus too (yes, an awful thing to say, but I can't think of anything less extreme that would be just as good), and yet he'll lie to her face. Makes me wonder what lying he did to me and then what he said behind my back. Cripes...I hate this whole world of relationships. The only solace I have is that hoping that someday I'll find that right guy.

But if someday were soon, then life wouldn't be nearly this friggin' difficult. Sigh.

Well...That shouldn't really be plural. I only have one test tomorrow, and it's in 20th century on World War II. Thankfully, it's interesting subject matter, so it's never difficult to get an A on one of those tests...Boy, have I been interested in the wrong things all my life O_o If history is coming this easy to me, then why on earth was I interested in biology sorts of things? It's beyond me, really.

BUT I HAD AN EPIPHANY. Yes, yes I did. I would like to go to Germany. Maybe live there for a little while. :] I have always wanted to go roaming through Europe - but, really, what girl hasn't? - and I've always wanted to learn that particular language for a whole slew of reasons. Firstly, according to my mother, I'm a hundred percent German.

...

How is that possible? I'm not sure. I sort of assumed that everyone had something different in them and that there weren't any 'thoroughbreds' left of that sort. o_O Boy did I think wrong. Or maybe my mom's wrong. Wouldn't be the first time ;D

Anyways, yeah, I would like to go there. I've also always had a fantasy of living in a Victorian-style home. But one fantasy at a time, eh? =D

Gotta love it, right? Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt. Wrong. Hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Been doing it almost since I got home two and a half hours ago or something like that. Granted, since I have to do a bit of it on my computer, it's really, really easy to get distracted. >.> But still...I'm getting sick of it. X.x AP Bio is hell all on its own, and then it makes me not want to do anything else. It's actually boring most of the time, and I definitely hadn't been expecting that. I've wanted to be a veternarian ever since I was five, for Pete's sake (who's Pete?) and now, I'm definitely not anywhere near as sure. I think I want to be an artist of some sort. I dunno if I'm 'good' enough in comparison to the rest of the graphic world, but painting? I dunno about that, either, actually...I like it well enough, but am I good enough to make any sort of living off of it? Hell if I know.

So that leaves me wondering what my future looks like ._. I can't get interested in too much of the biology because not enough of it's interesting. Don't get me wrong - a huge chunk of it I do like to listen to an hour and twenty minutes' worth of lecturing, but...Argh! Fweh. Thank god I'm still only a junior in high school. That leaves me a little time to figure things out, right?

...Right?

I'm sitting in school right now and I have to say, I'm freaking bored. We just took something called a 'benchmark' - in other words, a really stupid test that we have to take that tells us absolutely nothing but tells the teachers that we must be too stupid to be in a regular class, and therefore placed in a special one. .__. Frankly, I've never seen the point. People don't give a rat's ass about the tests, so they do poorly on them. One day, I hope that we all fail them and watch the teachers run around trying to teach all five hundred some of us in the high school.

Meh.

On top of that, I have PSSA testing next week or summat. Dunno if that's true, though I'm sure we've been told what the deal is. I just fail to remember x3 Nothing new, really. I don't pay attention all that much in school...And yet I still do fairly okay. O___o Lucky? Maybe.